Free bird & a Bunch of bitches (Intubation nation) #19

They say don't make decisions when you're angry, and that nothing good can come from flamed decisions. They ought to make it a rule for writers, to not write when it's blue light time in our lives. The thought sounds comforting, safe ...and yet, it construes with everything that makes a writer write.

Passion...Somewhere everything that has ever been written springs from an aspect of truth.

Ive always had a hard time finding my tongue in Danish, and often its left me in situations where ive been left breathless and quiet. Not because i didn't have anything to say, but because it's hard to translate the thoughts you have, when you are shaken by encounters or situations that leaves you breathless, and sometimes even frozen. I remember the last time i was left breathless, and the shame that came with it afterwards. See, not being able to find your tongue can lead to things getting lost in translation, misunderstood and even taken advantage of from other parties.

I've been feeling a little distressed lately.

And for a breath of fresh air, for once it wasn't about bears and predators. I haven't really felt anything in regards to those matters for months, not since certain decisions was made.

Work wise it's been amazing. Im so happy where i am, and everything seems to be ligning up in perfect order in my life. Its ironically funny, should one consider how last year was for me. It's strange being on the other side, and something that took every inch of strength in my body. It takes so much work to achieve such a forte as dealing with your traumas head on and achieving amazing things in the end.

Right now, I'm at that part where I've learned and grown, and at the final stages of launching and prepping. I'm using every ability ive learned to master and using it for the benefits. It's like the final stage of the boxing match, where you give it all you've got after months of training.

I've been sad because I've felt really powerless lately at work, after working with some terminal patients.

I've been sad because I've realized (and seen) how many of my patients that actually dies alone. Ive been the one to sometimes call someone's family (alongside my amazing doctor colleagues) and explained where the matter lies, and that were at that stage where calling "intubation nation" (our intubation team at ITA) is no longer an option, with supportive care being the only option left. Ive been the one hearing my doctor say, that Hes called the family and explained that the patient might die tonight and that they should come.

I've also been the one hearing him say sometimes, that no one would be coming at all.

It's terrible, knowing that someone might die alone like that.

It's not because we dont want to prioritize sitting alongside terminal patients, but the reality and the ressources lay the lines. And sometimes, im the only head responsible nurse at a department keeping 20 patients alive whilst my (poor) doctor is running around between departments and surgerys.

Jebus fuck. I really want to, but i can't. I don't have the time or the resource's.

Some nights last week were terrible. I had a terminal patient, and the whole night whilst I was running around like a mad person around the department trying to keep the flow going, I tried to prioritize trying to give him tiny sips of water any moment I could. You dry up real fast when you're on Oxygen, and he was just lying there...quietly, not being able to move and waiting for death.

It was terrible. the worst part? Where I had to do suction three times in a night to make sure that at least, if he died, the cause of death would not be by chocking. The last time, I called out anaesthetics nurse and we did suction together because i felt so bad having to do it again on my own - also there was an ethical line that I did not want to cross. I'm still a new nurse, and some decisions I won't make on my own.

God fucking damn it, I hated that his family wouldn't come and see him. I've refereed to spiritual burns before, and this scenario hit home rum and felt as so. I cried the entire drive home, and made sure to call back into the office, reminding my dear co-workers to be extra attentionate towards him in his final hours.

On another time, we had another terminal patient, and thank luckily on that specific night we had some "space" in the department. There were 20 patients (in my end) and there was 3 of us. Me, a student helper and a social health assistant. I assigned my student to only focus on our (other terminal) patient, so i could at least make sure that she was taken care of. I told her to just focuss on the patient, and ran around myself instead taking the "bells". (patient calls etc)

At least her family came the day after I called, leaving notes, flowers and love. I really appreciated that. It leaves us powerless those kind of scenarios. I mean, in here in Denmark we do have something called a "vågekone". It's some (amazing) volunteer from Red Cross that can come out and sit with the terminal patients in their final hours. the problem is that there is so few of those (amazing) people and not enough attention towards the cause.

I want to raise awareness somehow, someday.

I've got a whole list of things that needs a sprucing up in this system, but one ordeel at the time.

Apart from the feeling of neglect the lack of resource's is leaving me with, and the systematic behaviour I'm trying to highlight, my mind has been accoupied with learning how to live like this...I mean, i was a free bird back in the days. I couldn't fathom the idea of living a 9-5 and living a life that consisted of narrow planning and living a strictly organized life.

I used to teach children, write music and spend hours baking in the sun.

I used to love going sailing with my ex-boyfriend and spending hours out in the ocean contemplating nothingness.

Today I live a life where every minute of my day has been meticulously planned to the last detail. I work with statistics and numbers and everything I do today is measurable.

It's all about the numbers today, I can't make myself be the way I once was.

Innocent and naive and with room for things to be fluent in the everyday race. Not anymore.

It's all about results and projects that needs finetuning.

It's odd, really, functioning this way, and I'm still getting the hold of it and used to it.

Today, I'm the one to over analyse every situation before getting lost with the wind, and most importantly, the passion. I'm breaking old patterns.

I'll be sharing a personal post with you next time, and the real truth behind this madness and how it got this far. And if some people still think they can hide from an upcoming campaign?

Rien ne sert de courir, il faut partir à point

Alarié